I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.