My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
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ready to be harvested
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.