Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
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Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.