[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Morning.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Not today.. 😂
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral