Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*