Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
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“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*skinny dips into black hole
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly