Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
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I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”