My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.