Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I told my vodka about you.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
excuse me
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
pat pat
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.