I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.