“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.