9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
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I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*