You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
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Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Every time my phone rings
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.