The options really are this bad
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The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.