Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Lmao 🤣
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep