AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
You Might Also Like
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
what could possibly go wrong?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
…..pretty much.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.