The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
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my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
*orders delivery*
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’m going to need a moment here.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.