HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.