The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.