Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Ghost costume 😂
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
This could be us… but you playing
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.