Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
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Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.