The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
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*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”