I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Lmao 🤣
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore