My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly