Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
You Might Also Like
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem