How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
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Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Lol.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.