New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
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I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun