“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 馃き
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If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Diet update: I鈥檓 already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo鈥re you gonna finish that?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
shaved my legs in case there鈥檚 someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Every time I clean my dog鈥檚 water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
What the hell is going on?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I鈥檓 so swole
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!