It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
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I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
White Castle for the Win
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.