I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
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A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I’m Sold!
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.