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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.