Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?