My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.