You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc