UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
You Might Also Like
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.