It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Your honor these allegations are
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
This is always good for a laugh.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I am having an out of money experience.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.