Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
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My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.