If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato