lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Remember folks 😂
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this