My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
God has left this place
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.