I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.