My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.