I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover