I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
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Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u