“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
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You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
#merica
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”