Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.