Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
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Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
cyclists
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on