We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
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Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Aaaa…CHOO!
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
dutch is not a serious language
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
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If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.