Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
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Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*