Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
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My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches